Leave Yesterday Behind
by EveningInHornersCorners
Summary: It's amazing the guilt we can carry with us, even after many years. And it's equally amazing how just a talk with a friend can cure it all.


_**A/N: This takes place during the episode "Pirates of Dead Man's Island" while Doug, Tony, and Armando are going through the jungle.**_

"_Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." -David Grayson_

Since entering the Time Tunnel, Tony and Doug had had few moments of peace, as they always seemed to wind up in the center of some historical event or another that somehow they felt obligated to warn people about, though whatever they said was usually received about as well as if Cassandra had said it.

And even this was not quite a time of peace, as they desperately plodded through the jungle, attempting to escape the pirates, and Armando, the nephew of the king of Spain, in tow.

It was quiet, especially since Armando had fallen asleep quite awhile ago, but by no means was it peaceful.

The serene look on the little boy's face was a source of fascination for Tony. It held the gentle softness of youth, yet at the same time contained golden threads of wisdom and kingliness, as would befit his position.

And this expression was not at all unfamiliar to him.

_Six, nine, twelve, fifteen…fifteen. The last time I ever saw her…_

"Do you ever think about what you left behind?"

It wasn't necessarily directed at anyone, but nonetheless the sudden question jarred his fellow scientist from his rhythmic walking. Doug craned his neck to look at his companion.

"Why yes, I suppose. Sometimes. Why do you ask?"

Tony took a breath. "Well, it's just that Armando reminds me of someone."

"Someone you left behind?" the other man asked gently, turning his head forward once again.

"Yeah. A long time ago."

A short silence followed this statement before the younger scientist began again.

"It's been sixteen years. But I remember her so well. When I was much younger, I blamed her for splitting our parents up, but I just couldn't hold onto that. Mom died when I was six. You know I went to live with Dad and Maureen went to Aunt Clara's. We didn't see each other again until after the Pearl Harbor attack, when I went to live there too. I was nine when Aunt Clara was killed in a freak accident." Tony quietly expelled a miserable breath.

Sensing his younger friend's pain, Doug said, "Tony, if you don't want to…"

The other scientist shook his head. "No, I want to. I _need_ to." He cleared his throat. "Then we went to Uncle Clyde and Aunt Ginny. Everything would have been alright, I guess, if Aunt Ginny hadn't been so close to Aunt Clara. She tried to kill herself _three_ times over her death. After that third time, Uncle Clyde put her in a mental institution. After he did that, we rarely saw him. He'd stop by every once in a while, maybe pay a bill or two. He was around just enough that we knew he was never going to completely disappear. It wasn't like he took care of our daily needs or anything, though. Besides, he was usually in such a drunken stupor that he never really noticed us. So I was bound and determined that I had to support us."

Armando stirred.

"Where are we?" he whispered wearily.

"Shhh. Go back to sleep. We still have a ways to go." Tony soothed. He could just barely see the boy shrug and drop off once again.

"That never worked with Maureen." He remarked quietly. "She was three years younger than me and I didn't want her to suffer. But she was always so aware of our problems and worked as hard as I did, baby-sitting before she even turned eight. I never felt like I was the big brother supporting my little sister _and_ me on just whatever odd jobs I could find. She more than earned her keep." He sighed. "It was hard. The electric bill was paid so infrequently…thank goodness for the fireplace. And we combed newspapers for _any_ deals at the market. But clothes were worst. We wore them to their limit and then went to the thrift shop on a shoestring budget, looking for whatever would last, whether it fit or not. And luxuries? Forget it. The closest we ever came were pens and notebook paper."

"Oh Tony." Doug murmured. Then, in an apologetic tone, said, "I'm sorry. That wasn't meant to sound patronizing."

"It's fine." The other scientist reassured him. "Man, it was rough. Both of us were dead tired, trying to balance working with school. But you know, every once in awhile, _something_ just made life a little easier. It was only the tiniest sliver of hope, but it always kept me going." He smiled vaguely. "And I had Maureen to live for. She was the thing I could come home to every night, no matter what, and with her I was never alone in my suffering. She never really had a childhood, I guess, and that hurt me more than it did her. But she was my…my reason to believe. And then I just…abandoned her." He drew in a painful breath.

Doug looked to his younger friend, eyes brimming with questions.

Tony swallowed. "I…I made a bad decision when I was eighteen. You see, a visitor to my school asked me what my plans for the future were and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was planning on going to college and I said no, I couldn't afford it. That was my mistake. I got a letter a few weeks later from him explaining that he'd seen my grades, was very impressed, and thought I deserved a chance at higher education, so he said he'd pay me through college. I hid it and was going to write him back to refuse when Maureen found it. She insisted I take him up on the offer. We had a fight and she won. So I went. But I swore I'd come back for her. She was only fifteen when I left. I never saw her again." The tears he'd successfully held back until now began creeping out, similar to the way they had when he'd watched his father die. He lachrymosely continued, "I went back there when I was finished with school but she was gone. All my letters went unanswered, and I couldn't telephone her." His face went into his hands and he began sobbing heavily.

Doug blinked, hardly believing what he was hearing.

"Tony, get a hold of yourself! How can you say that it was a bad decision for you to go to college, to get an education, especially when your sister fully supported it? She knew it wouldn't be as easy to support herself without you. But she wanted you to go because she loved you. She wanted you to be able to make a better life for yourself. You should live every moment in thanks to her, because if it weren't for her you wouldn't even be here!"

Doug's outburst caught Tony off-guard. He slightly raised his face. "Why do you care so much?" he hissed.

"Look, I've done things in my life that I really regret, and rightly so. But you don't have the right to regret getting an education beyond high school. It's what's brought you _everywhere_ you've gone."

"But I have the right to regret abandoning the last real member of my family, without a second thought about what would happen to her. Now she's gone. Even if I knew where she was, if she's even still alive, I couldn't get to her, apologize…"

Doug looked his fellow scientist straight in the eye.

"Tony, do you know why I insisted on going back in the Time Tunnel? It sure wasn't because of any command General Kirk made. It was because you risked your life for the project, and I thought we needed someone to follow up on your courage and, in this instance, help save you. Think about it the same way with your sister. She took a risk so you could go to college and better your life. Follow up on her courage to face that risk, and be grateful she took it."

Everything was silent for a time before Tony finally whispered, "So that's why you did it."

Doug nodded eagerly, starting to see his friend come back.

"I…I never knew that. Thank you Doug."

"Don't think anything of it. Just forgive yourself."

The younger man paused before asking, "Could we stop for a minute?"

"Sure." The other scientist replied.

Tony dropped to his knees on the ground, bowed his head, and folded his hands.

_God, please, give me the strength to forgive myself._

Then he looked up to the sky.

_Thanks Maureen. Wherever you are, thanks._


End file.
